Miss Anni has grown leaps and bounds in the last week. She's been so brave in ways I didn't imagine she could be! We went to the park with some friends last week, and while she still shunned the swings, sat for a long, long, long time on the merry-go-round and let me slowly swing it around. She even stood and walked while it was going! My little girl really is a little girl instead of a baby now.
A few days later we headed to a play date with my mom's group at a local indoor play area. My little Nugget fearlessly climbed the slide (a few dozen times!) and ventured into the big kid area. At one point, I lost sight of her, and despite the fact that there was no way out, my heart stopped. I found her quickly, but the thought going through my head for the rest of the trip was, "I'm so not ready for this." I'm not. I've felt unutterably inadequate as a mommy lately. I've yelled at my sweet a couple of times, and then hated myself for the rest of the day. I know lots of people yell sometimes, but gosh, she's so fragile... I don't want to break her! I worry she doesn't hear my apologies and all she remembers of me are those times I yelled.
Some days, I feel like I'm drowning, like there's no way I can be good enough for her and everyone else who needs. I admit, sometimes I just want to quit everything I do, so that maybe I can be good at just one thing.
That wouldn't be very brave of me; though, quitting. And I want Anni to be proud of me, that brave little adventurer.
I'll keep trying, I really will. Maybe Ireland will have a secret supermommy potion that will bring me back a better, more patient woman. I hope so!
We've had one more big, big change in Miss Anni's life. On a whim, Daniel and I looked through Craig's List ads recently for toddler beds. We didn't really plan on buying one right away and definitely didn't plan on switching Miss Anni into it at this point. However, there it was. The perfect bed at the perfect price. We bought it!
When Anni saw it, she fell immediately in love. She has spent a good portion of her time since reading books on it, playing music on it, just lying there happily... you get the idea :). We still had no plans for her to sleep in it as of yet, but today at naptime, I figured it would only be fair to give her the option. The decision? Crawled into her big girl bed and slept for over an hour. That's big news, folks. This girl rarely takes that long of a nap anyway! I attempted it for bedtime, but our bedtime was harried, Daddy was gone and her runny nose got the best of her. We switched to crib... mattress propped up and all of her lovies nearby. I'm not worried either way, I love being able to give her this choice. My sweet girl is brave, and she knows what's best for her... sometimes ;-).
I love her so, so much.
The end.
Sigh... I wish you lived closer because you and I could have some nice long chats about motherhood. I am constantly feeling like a crummy mom. I just think we are too hard on ourselves. I have never seen you in real-life mommy action, but I can tell you are a very caring, loving and awesome mama! Anni is very lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteAnd brave? Yeah, I know about brave toddlers. Joe climbed out of his crib today. I totally jinxed myself by commenting on your picture yesterday on facbeook!
Don't worry to much about the yelling. It happens from time to time to all of us. We moms stress, and get frustrated, and it happens. I know Lorelai isn't afraid of me when I shout occasionally. It's frustrating in the moment to know my emotions are not validated by her reacting in the way I want...but in the long run I know it's good. It's good to know that even when I lose some self control for a fleeting moment, she still sees me as "mama." Mama who loves her, protects, who will never harm her, who will always be there for her...I think Anni feels the same way. ;)
ReplyDeleteFragile and yet SO unbreakable. A little girl who has thrived in spite of her beginnings and subsequent struggles is not going to be broken by yelling. Mind you, that's not an excuse to yell more (you know that), but a reminder that God can make good come of anything... and it will get better. She won't remember the yelling.
ReplyDeleteYou might enjoy the book "Parenting with Grace".
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Parenting-With-Grace-Gregory-Popcak/dp/1592766854/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331834942&sr=8-1
I am NOT a "parenting by the book" type person, but this is a very good, Catholic perspective on parenting in a loving, respectful way to raise responsible, loving children and I like it. A whole lot. It reference JPII's Theology of the Body quite a bit and is just full of good, sound, Catholic ideas. Check it out if you have a chance.
I randomly went back to this entry and wanted to tell you, we just got the book! I had it on my Christmas wish list and Daniel's parents bought it for us. I'm super excited to dig into it to get some insight as we add a second little one and work with a growing Anni!
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